Compulsive Creativity Disorder
I must have some sort of creative disorder, and it’s only getting worse as I get older. I find that lately, it is at it’s full boil, and I have been taking on more projects than I could ever possibly follow through to completion. I just have all of these ideas in my head, and I throw myself full force into so many of them at once, that I find myself ridden with anxiety and stress of my own making. I end up dropping things and picking new things up so frequently that nothing can move ahead. In order to fixate on the creative-whim-of-the-moment, I end up dropping all of the other projects that I’ve worked so hard to build up. I want to channel all of my passion into one outlet, but I have always found it very difficult to do this. As a result, I have never really been able to stick with something long enough to develop it into a permanent fixture in my life. I want to do everything, but I am only one person. I am perpetually possessed by a bunch of different muses who all want to do different things, and it’s impossible to tell them no. It’s always been this way, except that now there are more of them.
For the past few months, I have completely abandoned my self portrait work. This makes me mad, because it was such a passion of mine, and I was really starting to get the work appreciated and accepted into and by some really wonderful situations. But when I turn my energy and passion away from something, it ends immediately. There have been few opportunities and acknowledgments of my work lately, because I turned of the switch. I stopped putting energy on it and it ended. I’ve totally forgotten about it. I want to go back and turn the switch on again, but there are too many other inspirations pulling me in other directions.
Last week, I was completely obsessed with craft-related projects, and was particularly stuck on making Scrabble tile pendants. I must have made 200 or more of them. I thought it was something I would continue to do, but now it is completely out of my system and I have no desire to make any more. Thank God for Etsy, where I will just keep them listed for 6 months or so and just hope that at least half of them sell (hell, if I can sell 20 I’ll be happy). Now, I am hung up on making these ghostly images out of sea glass, and I have been making these day and night since Friday. On top of this, I am trying to learn to wire wrap jewelry, and I want to make theatrical masks out of paper mache. I also am trying to compile a small book of poetry. Not to mention, I find something nearly every day that I want to make, learn, or start. I need to STOP. I have terrible sleeping issues because of all of this. Lately, I have been sleeping about 2 hours a day, and often I will go 24 hours or more without sleep. Since Sunday, I have been a total craft zombie…even though I have been suffering the flu.
Obviously I have some weird obsessive creative/art karma. However, thinking back I realize that this sort of thing also runs in my family. My grandfather was an insomniac because of his inspirations, and I remember that he would often stay up for days on end composing and recording music and writing stories. Sometimes he would record an entire album in one night. He was also fond of inventing things, and this also contributed to many of his creativity-induced insomniatic sprees.
I feel like maybe I should just drop everything and force myself back into conceptual photography mode. Or at least limit myself to the photography and one other thing….like the sea glass project, for example. Oh, then there’s the faux desserts. I might stick with them too, just because they are a good niche and can be developed for more income. I’ve just realized that I’m spinning out of control and getting unreasonable. I cannot possibly do all of the things I am compulsively pulled to do and keep my sanity in order. Lately, I just do not feel big enough to house the impulses and inspirations that bombard me. I know that I am swimming through an illusion (temporal existence), and the water around me sometimes looks so beautiful I can drown trying to taste it thoroughly. I cannot possibly learn, do, or create every single thing that I feel passionate about.
Filed under: God, art, blog, creativity, diary, life, love, photography, poetry, soul, writing | Tagged: anxiety, art, artists, arts, bipolar, bipolar disorder, conceptual art, confusion, consciousness, crafts, creative, creative compulsion, creativity, emotions, etsy, family, flu, ideas, illusion, insomnia, insomniac, inspiration, jewelry, karma, life, mood, moods, muse, overload, passion, photography, poetry, procrastination, projects, sea glass, self-portrait, sleep, stress, writing
I must have a disorder too! I am a compulsive crafter… when I’m supposed to be doing something else (like packing for our move) all I can think about is crafting!!
KALLIOPE: TWO WAYS TO SPIN
God created light, then
watched Kalli spin: ‘close your eyes;
rest in my darkness.’
———————————————-
She is the spider spinning
fibres of light;
weaving a coat of colours,
keeping away the night.
Carry her off
to an enchanted island
where there is no more scheming;
only the marks of dreaming
in the sand.
[...] http://musecatcher.com/2008/05/06/compulsive-creativity-disorder/#comment-680 [...]
Wow! I just read about myself. I thought for a moment I had written that! I am the exact same way, except I do stick with spinning and knitting but other than that, I bounce from craft to craft, do it with complete obsession, obsess about it all night long and bore with it a few days later…. move on to something new. It all gets so expensive though!
Kalliope… you truly are a wonder… in a way you are blessed and cursed… blessed by a God given talent to make beauty and cursed by the drive… Either way… are you happy? That is what should rule your thoughts… everything else will fall into play…
Take a Day Off… truly try… call it a day of meditation to use on your art… maybe tat way you can truly see…
As for your photography… I have always been amazed at the energy you capture… if you chose to veer off that… you should definitely continue to hare the pieces you have with the world… it needs to be shown… Bless You always!
94stranger: Wow. I am honored by this gesture….such beautiful words. Thank you and huge soul hugs.
Helen & Marisa: Yes! It’s awesome to hear from other obsessive creators.
Enreal: Thank you for stopping by, and for your thoughtful comment. I WILL try to do that!
knitting, scrabble tile making (yep, me too), sewing, felt making, wood working, painting….the list seems to go on and on.
but I always come back to knitting. I think it’s the rhythm of it….
I can fully relate!! It can be hard to stay focused when there is so much you want to do. I think it’s just good to create, no matter what.
((( Kalli ))) (uh, can I call you that? LOL :)…
Several things struck me as I read this.
1. I stopped blogging just as I was beginning to drawn this huge ass and somewhat ‘noteworthy” crowd. As a writer, this was a particularly interesting act of selfsabotage on my part…even though it was NOT a conscious act of. If you know what I mean. Timing timing timing it’s all connected…hummmmm something to ponder on (me, that is! LOL)
2. Did finding out that ‘alot’ of people out there were doing the scrabble pieces have anything to do with the sudden lack of interest? YOU are definitely an original.
3. Learning to manage and flow - maybe for the first time from an ancestral POV - such a powerful energy stream might be part of why you are here
No more compulsions…where “the project” is directing you…it’s about you, directing IT!
OK..and the new pieces made of sea glass? I am in LOVE! Going to buy something TOMORROW!!!!
Thanks Grace. Excellent food for thought!
I thought there was something seriously wrong with me…and then I just started telling myself that GOD has blessed me with the abilities and the knowledge to create different sorts of beautiful things. At least I’m not out at the bar drinking….Remember, you could always be doing something worse….like committing multiple crimes…but that is not the case anything of beauty that others can enjoy is a gifted talent set upon you from our heavenly father….don’t worry if you don’t finish everything or most of them….your creativity is not supposed to cease it’s supposed to continue to grow and GOD expects us to continue to grow. If you stop learning new things and experiencinig new ventures of life….you become bored and depressed….so be blessed my love and continue to explore all the beautiful joys of creativity we call life….GOD SPEED.
Thank you for that !
Kalliope dear heart…I so understand. I wish I had an off switch in my mind..or at least a pause button. :O
Hmmm..cCan I switch to a sea glass piece since I already have a lovely tile piece of yours? Unless, you have already created the other tile piece.
I do like the ghostly appearance of the sea glass images.
Keep creating…but find time for stillness. Today I am going to return to my yoga routine and meditation. Somehow I shoved that to the end of the list..and it should be at the top.
Peace of heart to you my gifted friend!
You should really check out Refuse to Choose by Barbara Sher. It was an eye opening book for me I’m so happy I found. I will define you exactly and help you manage all your passions and want to dos. I am like you as well… it’s a constant battle… only for me, I get stuck and do nothing because I can’t chose which one to do.
You’re not alone!